Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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