I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
