I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
