forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
even my farts smell like vagina
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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