you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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