The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
