Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
