Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
