I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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