Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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