I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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