The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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