is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
