I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize