Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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