My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
