i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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