I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
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My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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