just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
