We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
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I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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