He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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