Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
