white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
