You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
