Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
