I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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