He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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