Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
