So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
