dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
