I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
