Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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