Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
