So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize