Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
