I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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