I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
