just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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