She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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