Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
