What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
