turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
