Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
