New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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