i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
