I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
