she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
