If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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