made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
