I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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