I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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