hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
