I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
