apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
