Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
